MARRIED TO PAIN

Here are many instances in which individuals become emotional attachment to Trauma

For some people, "pain is not just an experience, but a constant companion" that becomes so intertwined with their identity that they can’t imagine life without it. These individuals often define themselves by their suffering.

1. The Loss of a Loved One

After losing someone significant - whether through death, divorce, or abandonment - many people feel like their grief is "the only thing that keeps them tethered to that loved one". Over time, this grief becomes an emotional anchor. They may stay stuck in their mourning, unable to move on, because to do so would feel like they are betraying the memory of the person they lost.

I.e: A widow who keeps wearing her late husband's clothes and keeps his side of the bed untouched, because doing so allows her to maintain a physical connection to him, even in absence. The pain of his death becomes a symbol of her love, and she fears that moving on would erase that love.

2. The Grief of Unresolved Trauma:

Some individuals hold onto emotional wounds because they feel that their pain is the only way to validate their experience or their identity. This could be someone who was abused as a child and becomes defined by that trauma, carrying it into adulthood and never fully healing. To heal would be to forget, and forgetting feels like betraying the child they once were.

I.e: A person who was emotionally abused in childhood who continues to live in self-doubt and low self-esteem in adulthood, using the pain as a lens through which they view every relationship. They might sabotage connections, pushing others away, because the pain feels more familiar and protective than the vulnerability of love or closeness.

3. Physical Pain as a Way of Life:

For others, "physical pain can become a constant presence" that shapes their entire world. These individuals may experience chronic pain, illness or injury and over time, their identity becomes so intertwined with their suffering that they can no longer remember life without it.

Chronic Illness or Injury - People suffering from chronic conditions like fibromyalgia, arthritis, or migraines may come to feel like their "pain defines them". Every part of their day is governed by managing that pain, and it infiltrates their relationships, their work, and their sense of self. Over time, it becomes a constant companion, often more reliable than the people around them.

I.e: An individual who has lived with chronic back pain for years may develop an unhealthy attachment to their suffering. They start to isolate themselves, avoiding social events or activities they once enjoyed because they feel their pain will always overshadow the joy of living. They might even reject offers of help because they’ve come to believe that enduring pain is the only way they can live authentically.

4. Self-inflicted Pain:

For some, pain is actively sought out or even inflicted on themselves, as a way to "feel something when numbness sets in". This could be through self-harm, eating disorders, or other forms of deliberate suffering. It’s a way of asserting control over a chaotic world or a way to "feel alive" when everything else feels empty.

I.e: Someone with a history of depression and self-harm might become so reliant on their cutting as a form of emotional release that they feel lost without it. In these cases, the pain almost becomes a ritual, something that feels like a form of self-care because it’s the only emotional response they feel they can control.

5. Psychological Pain and Self-Sabotage

For some people, "pain becomes so integrated into their subconscious mind" that they end up living a life full of self-sabotage, making choices that keep them chained to their suffering.

Unresolved Guilt and Shame - Some individuals feel an intense sense of guilt or shame that they can’t shake off. They may feel that they deserve pain because of past mistakes, perceived failures, or situations beyond their control. This can evolve into a form of "self-punishment", where they deliberately put themselves in harmful situations or avoid opportunities for happiness, because they feel they are not worthy of joy.

I.e: A person who cheated in a past relationship may continually sabotage new relationships, pushing their partners away, because they feel like they don’t deserve love. Their pain, tied to their past wrongs, prevents them from ever feeling worthy of happiness.

6. Fear of Success:

In some cases, pain can become a comfortable space that people cling to because "it’s familiar". Success, happiness, or change might feel like a disruption to the life they’ve known. The fear of moving forward can lead people to deliberately avoid positive change, keeping them stuck in a perpetual cycle of disappointment and dissatisfaction.

I.e: A talented artist who could easily find success in the art world keeps undermining their own career, never applying for exhibitions, avoiding promotion opportunities, or staying in toxic working conditions. They fear the pressure that comes with success or feel they would be unrecognizable if they achieved the life they secretly desire.

7. Societal and Cultural Pain:

Collective trauma or societal pain can also be something individuals feel deeply connected to, especially when their suffering is the result of a shared experience or systemic oppression. People can become "married to societal pain", seeing their struggles as part of a larger cultural narrative that they can’t break free from.

Racial, Gender, or Social Injustice - For people in marginalized communities, "pain often becomes a form of resistance" or a way of reclaiming their identity. The pain of systemic racism, sexism, or classism can be so ingrained in their experiences that it becomes their worldview. Some might take on this pain as a badge of honor, not just as something they suffer through but as something that connects them to the history of their people.

I.e: A person of color who experiences discrimination regularly might start to view the pain of racism not only as something they endure, but as a part of their identity. They may refuse to forgive or let go of the anger, seeing it as an ongoing fight for justice. Over time, they may find themselves perpetually at war with the system, consumed by their pain and unable to escape the emotional toll.

8. Pain as Comfort and Control:

Finally, for some people, "pain becomes a source of comfort" because it is the one thing they can control. Even if the pain is debilitating or emotionally destructive, it feels more predictable than the uncertainty of healing, happiness, or change.

The "Safe" Pain - People who have faced significant trauma might come to believe that "pain is the only thing that makes them feel alive". It might be the only thing that keeps them from feeling numb or disconnected from the world. Pain can provide a sense of "control" when everything else feels out of their hands, and they may cling to it because it offers them an anchor, even if it’s unhealthy.

I.e: A person who has been through multiple abusive relationships might come to the belief that they only feel truly "alive" in conflict or pain. They may remain in toxic relationships, attracted to the emotional highs and lows, because it’s the only type of intimacy they know. They feel like they "can’t" function without the pain of betrayal or heartbreak, because it’s what keeps them engaged in life.

On a final note...

People can become “married to pain” in "numerous ways"—whether through emotional attachment, physical affliction, psychological trauma, societal struggles, or even as a twisted form of comfort. Each person’s relationship with pain is unique, and often, "it’s more than just suffering, it’s an identity, a coping mechanism and sometimes, even a refuge". In these instances, the idea of “marriage” to pain suggests a deeply rooted attachment that feels impossible to break, where the pain becomes inseparable from their very essence.